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7 January 2018

I’m sitting at a café in Helsinki airport and I just stopped to think about this whole year. There was really low lows but also, in contrary, really high highs.  As my father said in his speech on my graduation: Kaisa is a person who feels everything, it’s never neutral. I lost that for a moment but I managed, with great strength, different sort of strength I’ve known before, to get past that.

This year I have taken action and I must admit admiring myself for that. I felt stuck so I moved on. I felt bad so I made an effort to feel better. I solved problems. I pushed myself outside my comfort zone, for the first time in ages and it felt so good. It was exactly what I needed.

As I’m writing this on New Year’s Eve I can say I am in a place in my life I feel good. I feel happy. I feel safe. I feel passionate. I feel comfortable in this very moment. In some point I found myself trusting the world and the people around me. For that I am extremely glad. I am back being that fearless me I used to be. 

In 2018 I want to work on that last insecurity I still have. I am starting running again. I am starting stretching again. I want to get in shape in order to being able to like my body as much as my mind. I have a strong feeling this will also help with mental stability which is an issue I am far bored of standing for anymore.

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4 December 2017

My hair turned yellow. Taylor Swift's new album was horrible first but okay after a few rounds of listening. Wine, all kinds of wine, is really good. My brain is able to pull an accidental all-nighter. Turns out clothes don't wash themselves and the house is going to be cold if you forget to turn the heating on.

Autumn in London was magnificent. I am surprised the amount of anxiety I've had has been pretty much non-excistant. I have to be honest, when I first applied to this uni I was scared of how it was going to be. Of course, it's very different: it's not academic, it's not that theoretical, it's insanely intensive and most of all it's so much fun! 

We have a squad and it's just wonderful. We go to events together, we have parties together, we go out together, we have photo shoots together and we sit in the student lounge laughing at everything together.

I'm heading back home to Finland in a week. These three months have been filled with hallways, lectures, laughter and learning how to manage life on my own.
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22 October 2017

Quoting myself: "To be honest, I'm starting to get jealous of myself." Ever since I got to London about a month ago things have taken, and get this, a really, and I mean a really good turn! First I must clarify that the way London works follows: every day you meet someone who knows someone who knows someone whose sister's husband's cousin can help you in one way or another. Either it's London or my karma is being extremely good.

So this is where I live now. I've been posting glorious pictures and videos on Instagram overlooking the rooftops of my street from my skylight or gazing to the great antique mirror on the other side of my attic room. A friend asked: "Were do you live?" to which I thought the only appropriate answer was "in heaven, obvs."

I've been getting home quite late this first week I've lived here. I climb the stares all the way to the third floor and collapse on my bed, on those pure white sheets and laugh out loud because that's how happy I am. Then I wake up in the morning either to the sun shining through the skylights or the rain quietly hitting the roof and I laugh out loud again because that's how happy I am.
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3 October 2017

I have this one friend whose luck is unbelievable. Honestly! The most incredible things just happen to happen to her. I, on the other hand, am a person of relatively neutral excluding the fact that I seem to really attract accidents. But when I’m with my friend I get to enjoy a piece of her never-ending good luck. It’s either with her or in London, apparently.

I’ve had the most crazy, absurd good luck for the whole time I’ve been in this metropolitan. I’ve just happened to meet people who happen to work in the same industry I once wish to. I got a place to live at by a such a lucky coincidence. Above all, I haven’t gotten nor felt lost, anxious, unsure, sad, terrified… the list goes on.

I tried to keep panicking in the minimum before I got here. There was a lot of things to stress about and time to times I felt quite overwhelmed by it all. So it happens that mom and dad were right, after all: everything is sorting out better than I could have ever dreaded to dream. Was it faith, god or life that is holding me up I’m so very thankful of it all every single morning. I thank for this life and that it has taken me here, to London.

I feel very strongly I’ve entered a new chapter in my life. It feels like a completely different life, to be honest. It feels like mine but only the version that has ever only existed in my head, in my dreams. And now it’s true. Now I’m living it. I’m a bit scared it’s all just a very beautiful dream and that any moment now I’m going to wake up to half life.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m in the best place, mentally, I’ve never ever been. I have a new, wonderful city to explore, new people to meet and talk with and quite frankly — a tabula rasa in every way. For the first time ever this life feels completely mine. It’s the best feeling I’ve had in a while. And that is making me, slowly but firmly, trusting in life, faith and even luck.
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25 September 2017

My first week in London feels like a month, to be honest. There's so much to see and experience I keep forgetting I actually live here now. London is my home city now. So far I've been loving every bit of it: the unique people, the boiling hot tube, the architecture, the flukes. The city changes every day, every hour, even every minute and I think that is just amazing.

So what have I been up to? I've enjoyed lovely afternoon teas (yes, multiple times) in Covent Garden. I've carried numerous bags from Westfield after hours of shopping. I've sat in the library completing university's pre-arrival tasks ("Sunglasses" seen above). Last but not least I've attended London Fashion Week with the company of the ever-so-lovely Veera who was visiting London last weekend. I found a beautiful rose-golden ring by Tada & Toy to mark this new beginning in my life.

I'm in love with this city I can call my home. I'm in love with this life of mine and where it has taken me. I'm in love with the words one of my friends wrote: "Maailmalla on tapana antaa ja kantaa, kun luotat sen voimaan" (translates to: "The world has a habit of giving and carrying when you trust its power")

nail polish • Essie "eternal optimist" // ring • Michal Negrin
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